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  • Writer's pictureDJ and Lorrie Harry

4 Barriers to Intimacy in Marriage

When we get married we go into the "honeymoon" phase where everything in the relationship is new, we are excited in learning and trying to figure things out in our marriage. It is a time when we can be a little embarrassed, hesitant...even nervous about the future that stands before us.

On the other end of the spectrum of intimacy is when there is true intimacy...5th level intimacy that we discussed in the previous article/episode in this series. This is the highest level where you are completely open and vulnerable to our spouse. This is a level of incredible trust...completely vulnerability with your spouse. This is the level we are looking for; true oneness in intimacy with our spouse.

When you get married you just think you will go from point A to point B...

Yeah, right!

In Genesis 2, as soon as we see marital intimacy between Adam and Eve, we see barriers come up and destroy that perfect unity in marriage. Sin, shame, insecurity...all destroyed the perfection intimacy that Adam and Eve were experiencing.

When we were first married, I loved Lorrie; sweet and kind, beautiful...and it just made sense that we would automatically grow in our relational intimacy. It seemed like the oneness that we longed for would just happen.

However, it didn't happen that way. There were barriers that came up in our life that really hindered us from growing in that aspect of our relationship. Until you recognize the barriers to marital intimacy you can't address them in your marriage!

Here are four common barriers to marital intimacy. (Just FYI, Lorrie and I struggled with the first three in our own marriage)

1. Busyness

-busy schedule, not taking time to grow together

-hobbies, careers, church ministries, maybe busy doing good things (even children)

**involved in easy when you are first married

How did we counteract that? We became intentional with the time that we reserved for each other! (We deal specifically with 7 ways to grow in our marital intimacy in the 5th part of this series!)

2. Children

There is a natural season of life where children easily dominate your family time. It is a season of life that is very time consuming and demanding.

Don't fall into the trap of letting your children become your most important relationship. In the podcast were share some stunning statistics that link divorce with the mis-prioritization of our children in our family relationships.

Parenting is a temporary assignment...but your marriage is the primary relationship! You have to be intentional in maturing your marriage relationship even when you have young children.

3. Ignorance

In the end, you don't know what you don't know! It is possible you never saw a Biblical marriage modeled in your life. ...and when you don't know what is wrong with your own marriage and don't know how to fix it, that can be super frustrating!

We know. There was a time when we were frustrated as well! We were frustrated because we had failed to link in our own lives what we had been modeled through our parents.

Don't be frustrated! The fact that you are working on growing your marriage is evidence that you are heading the right direction. Keep it up!

4. Unresolved Wrongs

When hurts aren't resolved they turn to anger...this becomes a huge hindrance to the intimacy in marriage. Why? Because harbored-in emotions become ammunition for our fears and erode the trust we have with our spouse. We then try protect ourself..which closes off the vulnerability of oneness.

The key to overcoming this obstacle? Deal with things when they are small! Don't let small issues become bigger issues that create division in your marriage!

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